I used to think "lonely" was okay. It was a fortress of solitude, a state of freedom. Still, "lonely" is good in moderation, used as a certain solace from massive quantities of people. Social situations drain me. Solitude is as nourishing as food and as revitalizing as sleep after a period of high social interaction and stress.
But this...this is ungodly. It was, at first, solitude; but then it became pure loneliness. Cut off from the rest of the world, I wait here doing nothing. Not growing. Stagnating. Being in the presence of my parents yet again is a constant reminder of my sheltered childhood. This house used to be a fortress of protection, simply because I knew no other form of existence. Now that I have had a taste of the outside world, sitting here immobilized is simply unbearable. I wish to be of the world, not of my family!
This blog is now my only consistent outlet to the outside world...and no one even knows it exists. This computer screen, my window to the world, is too small now that I have been in the world. And what a tiny microcosm of a world it was! It was hardly even the Real World! Yet it was at least a glint of freedom, growth, and learning. I want, more than anything I may receive as a gift during the holiday season, to return to that world: it is more of a sanctuary than my own bedroom.